How to behave when meeting someone from a war zone

Mostly, Americans don't have live with war. (Yes, much of the world thinks our gun fetishism makes this a war zone, but, by and large, that enemy is homegrown, unpredictable, and not as common as media makes it seem.) 

Our recent wars have been far away. One of the laments of U.S. veterans who had to take part in our imperial adventures has been that people on the home front don't know how to talk with them. It was the echo of that pain which drew me to Tymofiy Mylovanov's Twitter thread.

Mylovanov is president of the Kyiv School of Economics; an adviser to the Zelensky administration; was minister of economy, Ukraine, 2019-2020; and an associate professor, University of Pittsburgh. He's currently in Norway, presumably for some good reason of the Ukrainian state. He has some suggestions for how to talk with a visiting Ukrainian which might have broader application -- and might not be right for everyone. Here are a few:

1. Be genuine. Do say that you support Ukraine, feel terrible about the lives lost, and that Ukrainians are going through this.

It is okay to talk war, it is good for us to feel support. Let’s be human!

Don’t show fake support if you don’t feel this way. That’s ok too.

2. Don’t do small talk. I don’t really enjoy it. People ask about when I arrived, if my flight was okay, how much did I sleep.

To me these questions seem irrelevant. As I am typing this tweet, I got a message [from Kyiv] that an air alert is over. 

The war never leaves me, even if I am far away. That’s why small nice talk feels out of place for me.

3. Don’t say “we hope you can forget about the war and relax, get your mind off the war”. For me it can actually be insulting depending on how it is said. 

 

People are dying in my country and I am here and should be “trying to forget about the war”? No, in fact the sense of urgency, the desire to do everything I can to bring the victory forward becomes more acute here. 

So, don’t try to bring normalcy in my life. It won’t happen. 

4. Instead, do engage with me in any projects and ideas that can help Ukraine win the war, help save more Ukrainian lives, or build a better future. 

5. Don’t tell me that “I am angry”, “I need to take it easy”, “I am traumatized”, or “I shouldn’t work that hard because I will burn out”.

I am all of those things - angry, traumatized, but crazy motivated and efficient - at once. And it is normal to be like that in war. 

I come here to work on getting the victory faster be it fundraising, communication, economic funding, recovery, EU enlargement or whatever else

6. Minimize my interaction with logistics. My mind is elsewhere, I can miss connections, forget to book a taxi, or pay something. ...

There's much more.