The way it is in a dark winter

Even Joe Biden, that mellow purveyor of comforting hope, has said it: we're in for a "dark winter." COVID infections and deaths keep increasing. Yes, there's a vaccine, or two. But given what we've seen of the departing administration, there's no reason to expect that either the necessary doses or the necessary infrastructure for distribution will be in place for a rapid, competent roll out.

So I'm going to keep on sharing stories from people on the front lines of our overburdened hospitals. While we stay home, mask up and distance ourselves, we owe it to the folks in the thick of the fight to listen and learn.

The drawings come from South Korean ICU nurse Oh Young-jun.

The text, lightly edited for length, is from Ashley Bartholomew, BSN, RN.

I’m an RN in El Paso ... I resigned from my job last week and I’ve been asked several times, “What was the breaking point?”...

On my last shift I had a very eye opening experience. El Paso was in the middle of its hardest hit time with COVID hospitalizations and cases. I was working in COVID ICU and at the time checking finger stick blood glucose levels on the entire unit, about 25 patients.
 
[In] one of my last rooms to go into, the patient was awake and alert. He was being transferred to a lower level of care in the next hour or so. The news was on, El Paso in the national headlines again for needing more freezer truck morgues. The patient makes small talk.
 
He mentions hating “fake news”. He says, “I don’t think COVID is really more than a flu.“ I clarified, “Now you think differently though?”

He replies, “No the same. I should just take vitamins for my immune system. They (news) are making it a big deal.”

I’m shocked.
 
I’m at a loss for words. Here I am basically wrapped in tarp, here he is in a COVID ICU. ...
 

Typically as a nurse we usually put on a face. We don’t tell our patients another patient just died. We don’t tell them what we just saw. We walk in to care for that patient as they are. We give them our full unbiased care.

I make a choice. Something I’ve never done. I say,  “To be honest this is my last shift. You’re the only patient of 25 that has been able to speak to me today or is even aware I’m here.”

He’s surprised but doubtful and asks if other people are doing as well as him. I tell him I’ve never seen so many people SO very sick. “Really?” He asks if a lot of people have died.

I’m brutally honest. I tell him in 10 years of being a nurse I’ve done more CPR and seen more people die in the last 2 weeks than I have in my entire career combined.
 
His tone changes, he seems to have understood the gravity of what I’m saying. He apologizes. ...

A few hours later I had the opportunity to transfer him in a wheelchair to a lower level of care, a medical COVID floor. He sees the other patients in the ICU as we are leaving. We arrive to to the floor and I’m waiting to give report to the nurse.
 
He says one more thing, “Thank you for telling me what you told me. Thank you for being a good nurse and about me. I saw a lot of the other ones when you were wheeling me out of ICU. It’s much more than a flu, I was mistaken.”
 
I thanked him and I told him I hope he has a complete recovery. I hope he can heal.

“I will tell everyone that denies how bad this is about my experiences,” he says.

I will too, Sir. I will too.

COVID shaming doesn't work, the public health experts warn. We can't guilt trip everyone into wearing masks and distancing. But we can share their stories.