Monday, August 07, 2006

A joke from Lebanon

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert gladhanding the press.

A friend in Beirut sent this. She says, "Abul Abed is a folk hero in jokes. He is a Sunni Beiruti."

Olmert was sitting in his office wondering how to invade Lebanon when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Olmert!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Abul Abed, down at the tea house in Beirut! I am callin' to tell ya dat we are officially declaring war on you, yes you!"

"Well" Olmert replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Abul Abed, after a moment's calculation "there is myself, my cousin Mustafa, me next-door-neighbor Abou Khaled, and the whole team from the tea house. That makes eight!"

Olmert paused. "I must tell you Abul Abed, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Abul Abed. "I'll have to call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Abul Abed called again. "Mr. Olmert, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Abul Abed?" Olmert asked. "Well sir, we have two Mercedes 180, and a truck."

Olmert sighed. "I must tell you Abul Abed, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Ya lateeeeef", said Abul Abed, "I'll be getting back to ya." Sure enough, Abul Abed rang again the next day. "Mr. Olmert, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We modified a helicopter with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four more neighbors have joined us as well!"

Olmert was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Abul Abed that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Lah lah lah lah," said Abul Abed, "I'll have to call you back."

Sure enough, Abul Abed called again the next day. "Olmert I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off this war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Olmert. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Abul Abed, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat, and come to realize there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."



Anonymous said...

salam guys.. you are really as great as a lebanease should be.. you are absouletly deffinitly surely right..we are the lebanease people will never accept to give up our dignity, our liberty, our honor, and our land, just because of some stupid persons who think that they can through our pain and suffering give birth to a new terrible east not middle east as they said. through our pain and suffering they can only get their ass kicked out of our land, and their ideas and strategies about a new middle east collapsed.

Anonymous said...

the stupidest joke I've read in a long, long time. You guys are pathetic.

R J Adams said...

I loved the joke - and I have to say I'm with Shaden. The Middle East is their land to live in as they choose, not as the US and UK think is right for them.
I followed the link from my good friend Peacechick Mary

Anonymous said...

Last time I read this joke, it was a phone call from Moshe in Tel-Aviv to President Mobarak in Cairo. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Anonymous said...

Last time I read this joke, it was a phone call from Moshe in Tel-Aviv to President Mobarak in Cairo. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

What year was that?

Anonymous said...

The Hezbollahs are difficult to understand and must be confusing to the Lebanese as well. They claim to protect the people and yet was not able to stop Israels attacks.They launched some 3000 rockets and none hot any target of military significance. They survived by hiding among the civilians and caused over 800 lives and a 10 billion $ distruction to Lebanon. You deserve better leaders.

Anonymous said...

It's a bullshit joke.

TWH said...


Anonymous said...

Awesome joke! Keep on rockin' ^_^
agree with adams on that.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha!

...We all gonna die...

Anonymous said...

The Israeli and the US American government think the Middle East is their land. It's about the Oil. The US government is destroying the values of the West! They are warmongers. They used torture in Abu Grahib!
They want to own the planet, so their kids can keep getting more obese and stupid.
US Americans brainwash their kids with violent military video games, and military movies where brown skinned people are always dirty and evil. They grow up and become fanatical stupid Christofuckfascists and vote on neoconservatives.
England is governed by a fucking moron, a man with no self-respect.
It is the right of the Lebanese, the Syrians, the Palestinians, of anyone to resist this policy of Blair and Bush.
Israel has the right to defend herself from fucking crazed wannabe jewkillers. But as long as Israel thinks their soil lies in the American continent, as long as they think they're not from the Middle East, because their deluded elite goes to study at American colleges and come back "Americanized", you're in for trouble. Palestine is a 3rd world country, but you cross the fence and you're in a developed economy. Why? Why must Palestinians, and now Lebanese be treated worse than dogs?

Anonymous said...

Good joke. I'm with the Palestinians and the Lebanese. It's sad to be British. We are also a joke - a bad one.

Anonymous said...

As an American, this might be my only chance to speak with people from Lebanon. I know there are a lot of people that hate the U.S. but please realize that many of our citizens are good people. While many of us voted for Bush, not all of us support his actions and none of us have control until the next election.

That being said, Israel does have the right to defend itself and Hezbollah is using citizens to shield itself from attacks.

If I were Lebanese, I'd be ass-kicking Hezbollah to the curb. If they want to pick fights, let them fight alone.

P.s. I liked the joke.

Anonymous said...

"The Hezbollahs.....caused over 800 lives and a 10 billion $ distruction to Lebanon"

That's funny, I was under the impression that Israel was the one who did that. And last I heard, Israel was getting their butts stomped too (although they have proven very effective at destroying bridges, hospitals, and power stations, they have been repeatedly embarrased any time they meet hizbollah on the ground)

Anonymous said...

To the ignorant "Anonymous American" who wrote "While many of us voted for Bush, not all of us support his actions and none of us have control until the next election."

Saying that you have no control until the next election is a COPOUT. And how quickly you forget that Bush was voted in not once, but twice! His agenda was clear after the first election but still he was voted in again. So don't use the pathetic excuse that you have no control. This is an insult to our intelligence.

Anonymous said...

woah.. other commenters.. chill.
It's a funny joke.. not a metaphor for the meaning of life. :)

Anonymous said...

fuck all you towel head, camel fuckers. you just don't get it and never will. your "freedom" fighters go and kidnap soldiers, and blow up civilians. cut peoples heads off. basically say that anyone who is not muslim is an infidel and should die. FUCK YOU. fuck allah fuck mohammed. fuck jesus, fuck budha fuck all of them. the oldest and most dangerous form of mind control is religion. love your fuckin neighbor. its not about where you live what color you are, man or woman. but you havn't understood it because you don't even value your own life as your people have proven time and time again. so how can you value others life??? you can't. shit you even kill your own people because they are different sect of your religion. you say everyone is so wrong, look at your own behavior. maybe i wouldn't hate you and yes i think islam is evel, just as christianity is... if for once i heard you taking resposibility for your own actions. its like a whole group of people is the age of 6 but have guns and bombs. hezbollah comes and kidnaps and kills some israeli's and then gets all ass hurt because they beat the shit out of their country?? wha??!! if someone from cananda came and started shit with america and kidnapped some of our people... fuck yeah you better believe we should kick their ass.

and i know this is just a joke. it is funny. but its not. i know so many are saying such a great victory for hezbollah and muslims everywhere. fuck that. they stopped because to many inoccent people were dying because they were to cowardly to fight in the open. here's a simple little equation for you... hospital + bitches shooting missles from said hospital = hospital gets the shit blown out of it with whoever is inside. you don't want your woman and children getting killed then don't hide behind them and with them. and then bitch to the UN and whoever else will listen. fuckin pussies.

Cygnus said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Cygnus said...

LOL - the stupidity of some people knows no bounds. Lebanon didn't just lose this war, they got their asses kicked as if they were merely Afghanistan. Nasrallah is a moron who hates the Lebanese people - clearly - or he would not have dragged them down, so.

Check it:

Get a clue.

Anonymous said...

The joke is funny. The commentators are a good cross-section of the American electorate--the grammatically challenged Yahoo subdivision of the Republican Party, those who never let facts get in the way of their opinions, as well as more balanced people who feel sorry that the Yahoos gave power to this lingstically challenged, hubristic hick from Crawford to play games with the truth and the world. As more thoughtful citizens consider the impact of Seymour Hersh's article in the New Yorker concerning how Cheney's people gave approval to Israel's planned attack on Lebanon months before the July 12th Hezbollah kidnapping, the rubes continue to regurgitate the Republican's deceitful and simplistic party line that "Israel has a right to defend itself against attack." Olmert characterized the kidnapping as "an act of war," while Bush ran out another Black Secretary of State to lie yet again to the American public by calling the kidnapping "outrageous provocation" for war, all the while knowing that exchanges of kidnapped prisoners had been the norm in the Middle East between Israel and its neighbors for 30 years until Israel decided on July 12th to characterize this kidnapping as provocation for the war it had been planning to launch for well over a year. The whole war was a tryout or prelude for yet another preemptive bombing campaign that Bush-Cheney planned to launch against Iran later this year until the generals said an air campaign alone won't defeat Iran and there are no soldiers to come in afterward because they're all tied up occupying two conquered countries. And America's Yahoos continue to bleat the party line.

The manner in which Israel carried out its bombing campaign in Lebanon was not only barbaric, but, by targeting civilian areas, also constituted international war crimes as well as terrorism under 18 USC 2331 (America's federal criminal code) and under the Patriot Act. Rice's and Bush's calls for delays in demanding a cease fire in order to achieve a "sustainable peace" was just more callous deceit, covering up the White House's approval of Israeli's decision to bomb Lebanon. By accepting Israel's war plans made long before it decided to launch a war offensive on the pretext that the war was made necessary by Hezbollah aggression and then condoning and extending the duration of the bombing of civilians, the United States, for all its piety, became a sponsor of state terrorism. For the witless "bomb 'em back to the Stone Age" crowd, yes, Hezbollah also commits atrocities, war crimes, and terrorism, but Americans seem unable to apply the same criteria for terrorism by which it judges Hezbollah and Al Qaeda to Israel or the United States. The day of "shock and awe" was nothing less than a day of American terrorism against Iraqis. At bottom, Muslims hate America because of its moral hypocrisy and how ready it is to categorically debase Arabs/Persians, as exhibited by some of the commentators on this blog.

As to who won this war, I'd say Hezbollah is very happy that it only had to lose a minimal number of soldiers while defenders of Israeli made themselves look utterly mendacious when trying to convince the world to join in Israel's denial of its barbarism. Removing the veil concealing Israeli machinations was anunexpected gift that all Arabs will cherish for years to come.

Anonymous said...

3 points everyone seems to forget (especially the last commentor)
1. Anyone in the history of mankind that has messed with Israel has lost - sometimes erased.
2. Why didn't the Arab world take in the Pal. refugees? And why, in 1948, did the Arab world call for all Arabs that were living in what is now Isreal, to flee the country?
3. Last point, no Arab country will play the front man against Israel or the U.S. Egypt uses Hamas, Iran uses Hezbollah.
The Arab people must stop letting themselves be ruined by their leaders. Their leaders are paying for the fanatics. Their leaders are pocketing all the money from the oil.

Anonymous said...

I am very happy I live in America, as I don't think I could handle all of the warfare in other parts of the world. Regardless of what anyone is taught, all Americans are not warmongers and all Americans don't agree with Bush and his administration. I didn't vote for Bush (in either election), and to be honest I despise his actions. We have not had a decent president in many years.

I think the next president of the U.S. should adopt a policy of taking all of the money they normally send to all of the other countries in the world every year and focus on helping those who are in need in our own country. For some reason the people in the middle east and other countries around the world think we are all rich here. Hate to tell you it's not true. Many, many, many Americans are homeless or working jobs that barely pay them enough to eat and live on. I met a guy from Kuwait while I was in college and we were assigned a class project together. We chose to meet at my home to put it together and he was astounded at how poor I was. He asked why I didn't have a new car and why I didn't have nice furniture, etc. I tried to explain to him that not all Americans have good things and he was absolutely shocked. He had always been taught that America was the land of the rich, and he took it quite literally thinking that meant all Americans have lots of money. I wish we wouldn't interfere in the governments of other countries. Our troops need to come back home and our money needs to stay in our own country and take care of us for a change.

I'm sure that would piss off the terrorists also, because whether they like it or not, or even admit to it or not, they do benefit from the monies that flow to their countries from the U.S. as much as anyone else does.

I really don't like supporting terrorists with my tax money...

Anonymous said...

Long Live HIZBOLLAH THEY FUCKED THE JEWS and the lebanese should be proud of HIZBOLLAH cuz they protected our land all this bullshitt about they where hiding with the citizens its just a big lie propaganda from israel how can you be so stupid ??? // Ntasarnaaa

Anonymous said...

Here is anothere Joke, but in fact it's not:

What A Bug in a Cup of coffe will make them do???

The British: will throw the cup into the street and leave the coffee shop for good.
The American: will get the insect out and drink the coffee.
The Chinese: will eat the insect and drink the coffee.
The Israeli will:

Sell the coffee to the American and the insect to the Chinese.
Cry on all media channels that he feels insecure.
Accuse the Palestinians, Hizb Allah, Syria and Iran of using germ-weapons.
Keep on crying about anti-Semitism and violations of human rights.
Ask the Palestinian President to stop planting insects in the cups of coffee.
Re-occupy the West Bank, Gaza Strip.
Demolish houses, confiscate lands, cut water and electricity from Palestinian houses and randomly shoot Palestinians.
Ask the United States for urgent military support and a loan of one million dollars in order to buy a new cup of coffee.
Ask the United Nations to punish the coffee-shop owner by making him offer free coffee to him till the end of the century.
Last but not least, accuse the whole world to be standing still, not even sympathizing with the Israeli Nation

Anonymous said...

first of all, I'd like to tell the people who used an offensive tone, especially the guy who used the work "fuck" a lot (Eminem makes people think that the more they swear the more powerful they are) and said something about Hezbollah cutting people's heads off that he needs a lesson in geography, history, politics, and above all charm.
Hezbollah have never in their entire history decapitated anyone. Those were Al-Quaida, who are Sunnis located in Iraq and Afghanistan (Hezbollah is a Shiite party located only in Lebanon) and who hate Hezbollah more than they hate Americans because they hate Shiites. Less than a week before Al-Zarqawi was killed he asked all Sunnis in the world to attack Shiites and especially Hezbollah, called Nasrallah an infidel, and accused him of being an Israeli spy.
Unlike what the American media shows, a terrorist is not just a religious guy with a beard. The definition of terrorism is using violence against non-combatives for political reasons. By that definition Al-Quaida is a terrorist organization, and Israel and USA are terrorist countries.
Hezbollah have never in their history targeted civilians (since they were founded in 1982) and all the civilians that died as a result of their bombing were in the way of military or infrastructure targets. And unlike what one of the commentators said most of their missiles did hit their targets but the western media did not show that because it wanted to promote propaganda that says that Hezbollah targeted civilians and no military bases.
Israel, on the other hand, did target civilians, and on purpose too. Most of the structures they targeted were civilian structures, cars, and even motorcycles. Do you think they could mistake a guy on a motorcycle for a Hezbollah guerilla carrying a missile?
And for all those people parroting Israel's lame excuse that Hezbollah hid among civilians and took them as human shield, if you are stupid enough to accept this justification, I am not. If a kidnapper takes a hostage, the police do not shoot the hostage to get to the kidnapper, common sense people.
And by the way, Hezbollah isn't just a military party, it has many social, charitable, and political divisions, so its natural for it to have locations between civilians. Where do you expect them to build a school? In no man's land or in a populated area? And one of the Hezbollah structures that Israel was so proud of demolishing was a center for special education of deaf and blind children.
The truth is that Hezbollah killed about 250 Israelis, 80% of whom were soldiers, while Israel killed 1250 Lebanese, 90% of whom were civilians (and only about 75 were Hezbollah fighters). This clearly shows that Israel is a terrorist nation and that Hezbollah are a resistance movement.
By the way, all prisoners taken by Hezbollah were treated well. Several years ago, they captured an Israeli businessman and exchanged him with Lebanese and Arab prisoners. Many rumors were told about how he was tortured and how he was abused and injured, until the guy was freed and said in a televised interview that he was kept in a comfortable furnished apartment with an AC and a TV. He was treated politely, fed delicious meals and a doctor gave him regular checkups. Arab prisoners in Israeli prisons are treated worse than insects, tortured, fed skimpy meals, and lived in damp smelly cells furnished with moth-eaten flee ridden mattresses.
Lastly, about who won the war, it is so obvious that Hezbollah won, simply because it didn't lose, and Israel lost, simply because it didn't win. For a small group of street-fighters, not getting crushed by the fifth strongest army in the world is a victory. It is now obvious that the Israelis are only good in bombing civilians from planes, but when they had to actually fight man-to-man, they got licked pretty easily.
By the way, the joke was hilarious and so was the later joke about the coffee.

Doc said...

The last post was dead on the mark--exactly. Thank you for sharing the truth.

The only thing I would somewhat disagree with is that I dont think Israel "targeted" civilians, but, they were very much at fault for being negligent and immoral (some would say that was a targe). As an army with supposedly the best military technology, how in God's name do you hit a milk factory and other infrastructure and civilian targets that are obviously not Hizbollah-related. Also, the illegal use of cluster bombs by the IDF when a cease fire was around the corner...what a waste.

Yes, Israel did not "win"--in fact thay got smashed on the ground. Its easy to fly high and drop your bombs...

wateva said...

how dare people say that lebanon lost.Wat sort of world are you on.Lebanon beat israels ass they deserved it and everyone knows it.Lebanon is the best country and if u dnt believe it go check it out 4 urself.Muslims are not all terrorists the media just makes it seem that way. You dont see the media calling nuns murderers coz they had buried live babies underneath the church do you!!You dont see people calling all catholics and christians racist coz of what the pope said about muslims!!but people are just dumb nd they just make it seem that way.If people were to ever read the quran then they would see what its all about but people chose not to coz dey noe were right.So when you die ur all gonna rot and burn in deserve it.

wateva said...

how dare people say that lebanon lost.Wat sort of world are you on.Lebanon beat israels ass they deserved it and everyone knows it.Lebanon is the best country and if u dnt believe it go check it out 4 urself.Muslims are not all terrorists the media just makes it seem that way. You dont see the media calling nuns murderers coz they had buried live babies underneath the church do you!!You dont see people calling all catholics and christians racist coz of what the pope said about muslims!!but people are just dumba nd they justmake it seem that way.If people were to ever read the quran then they would see what its all about but people chose not to coz dey noe were right.So when you die ur all gonna rot and burn in deserve it.

Anonymous said...

To all you stupid ignorant Americans, try reading up on islam! Morons
Bush is about as smart as my dog, infact, my dog is more clever as he can do tricks!
Granted Blair is no better and together they have successfully fucked up the world. Not to mention America training up Osama to be who he is now and supplying half the Arab world with guns and other militairy equipment. Then, shock horror, they come back and bite them in the arse.
I'm not surprised it happened. I dont condone it but I'm not surprised.
Get rid of Blair & Bush and maybe peace will prevail. Maybe... But then, maybe its gone too far already and we're all fucked.
Anyway, here is 10p (or a quarter), call someone who gives a shit!

Anyway, I thought the joke ws good, taken in the right context of course.

Anonymous said...

ehhh..kinda stupid but kinda funny joke......

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